When the abandonment wound becomes more integrated, sometimes another layer reveals itself- the fear of being chosen fully. Oddly enough for some even scarier than the abandonment dread because being fully chosen means showing up fully with all the parts we spent a lifetime keeping safely locked away.
If someone shows up and they’re genuinely ready to meet you and walk this path. Then you can’t blame it on them being unavailable or, “well they just weren’t capable”. You actually have to show up, meet them and be seen.. That is a different level of intimacy.
I thought that’s what I always wanted. I proudly declared the type of healthy love I wanted but every time it showed up it brought up major discord in my being- it felt gross, too needy, “too much”. The “toxic love” felt like home, but the beautiful partnership I truly craved felt uncomfortable because it wasn’t familiar..
We often mistake familiar for comfort. We feel something new and think, “this doesn’t feel right.” I could feel the disharmony in my body. Not because it was bad or wrong, but because I was still vibrating at the frequency of my wounds, of the blueprint I had so deeply ingrained. When you try to introduce an unfamiliar frequency (no matter how good it may be) it can feel like forcing a key into the wrong lock.
This is where becoming an energetic match to the reality you desire is so crucial. Now, I need to be clear- I do not think that it is impossible to align with the right people, even when we are in that lesser frequency. I do believe it is quite possible to be influenced in a positive way, by others. Some people and situations actually call us up and out of that more fearful mindset. But I do believe, at least some part of us, has to want it enough to not completely “sabotage” it.
Other people can help us heal in many ways. But if we aren’t willing to do the work, have self-awareness and take accountability, no matter how present, how loving, how available someone is- our systems can’t recalibrate to that higher state of connectedness without our participation.
Our participation looks like being honest with ourselves first and foremost- We must be willing to observe the feelings and sensations that come up within us, to explore them and ask them honestly where they are coming from. Oftentimes, the answer doesn’t come immediately, sometimes it takes a long while and lots of self-study to understand what we are even feeling and where the imprint originated.
Many of us didn’t grow up with a healthy blueprint for love. But many of us have the deep desire to experience it. The good news is we have the capability of rewriting that very blueprint. We have the responsibility of becoming the energetic match for that which we desire. It is up to us, no one else to learn discernment, to learn how to give and receive from a place of healthy boundaried love.
What I mean by “boundaried,” is not keeping someone or something out, but being able to clearly communicate your values and standards and being able to uphold them with respect for self and other. Boundaries protect your energy from slipping back into places you know no longer serve you. You do not impose boundaries on others like rules they must follow. They do not become walls, but guide posts along the path to your heart. For those willing to walk it, they are not deterrents but welcome road signs. People of a similar trajectory will often share similar values so boundaries typically feel less like stops signs and more like green flags.
Again, it comes back to us having enough understanding of ourselves and our patterns to even get to a place of healthy boundaries. Because when we are operating from fear or trauma patterns, a hard boundary we draw may be protecting a wound but also building a wall. And some walls keep out the very love and experiences we so deeply desire.
Self-awareness is a critical piece to this puzzle…
..to be continued
For more writings check these out:
Nervous System Regulation & Emotional
Authenticity: The Foundation of Real Connection
When Love Feels Performative: The Nervous System Effects of Emotional Incongruence
Why we repeat relational patterns (even when we know better)
The Other Side of IEC: Codependency, Control, and the Internal Split
The Body Knows: Interoception, IEC Environments, and Learning to Listen From the Inside Out
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